Monday, April 23, 2012

Game of Thrones photo recap: "Garden of Bones"

"Garden of Bones" saw the return of Daenerys, Tyrion being an incredible badass, Joffrey reaching new heights of sadistic awfulness, and an ending that I can only interpret as a set-up for a Lost crossover episode. As usual, a gallery of the night's best, most memorable and weirdest moments can be found below, and a rundown of the most memorable quotes will follow.

"Garden of Bones" best moments: we find out how hot dragon fire burns, Renly proves he can best his brother in the charm department, and the episode ends with what is perhaps the strangest thing that has ever been seen on this earth outside a Lady Gaga video.

The night's most memorable quotes: Tyrion and Renly compete for the title of Westeros' Funniest (sadly, Yara was not with us tonight to offer a challenge), Littlefinger has no sense of timing, and Daenerys has a hard time with foreign words.

"Careful now. We don't want to get blood all over your pretty white cloak." Bronn: a perfect combination of hilarious and menacing.

"Bronn, the next time Sir Merrin speaks, kill him. That was a threat. See the difference?" It is really unfortunate for Tyrion that no one else in King's Landing is up to his intellectual level.

"There's no cure for being a cunt." Bronn understands Joffrey all too well.

"The whole notion of marriage seems to confuse you, so let me explain. My husband is my king, and my king my husband." Win: Margery Tyrell. Loss: Petyr Baelish.

"Joffrey. Cersei. Illynpayne. The Hound." You know that you're a badass when your nightly prayers are more threatening than most people's actual threats.

"I've loved you since I was a boy. It seems to me that fate have given us this chance to..." It's nice to see that Littlefinger has a heart somewhere under all his business acumen, but his sense of timing is about as bad as it can be.

"I suppose if we used the same one the battle would be terribly confusing." If I were Stannis, I would have yielded in the face of Renly's onslaught of quips.

"No no, I'm relieved. Never really believed you were a fanatic. Charmless, rigid and a bore, yes, but not a godly man." Stannis might not be able to take a joke, but Renly sure can make one.

"Born amidst salt and smoke? Is he a ham?" Honestly, given what we've seen of the various gods people worship in Westeros, a ham might be an improvement.

"Listen to yourselves! If you were sons of mine, I would knock your heads together and lock you in a bedchamber until you remembered that you were brothers!" See, Catelyn can be pretty convincing when she isn't endlessly discussing the coming of winter.

"My name is..." "Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen." I love Daenerys more than any other character on television, but the girl does suffer from a tendency to constantly proclaim her name and title.

"The beauty of Quarth is legen..." "Qarth." "Qarth." If the city was really legendary, one would assume that people would know how to pronounce it.

"You'll do no such thing. This one's a girl, you idiot." Tywin Lannister: quicker on the uptake than 90% of the inhabitants of the Seven Kingdoms.

"Your own father, Lord Tywin, when I was named the king's squire, he told me to obey her! In everything!" "Did he tell you to fuck her too?" Well, he didn't use those exact words, but it was implied.

"I could swear that I had not harmed a single hair on his head, but that would not, strictly speaking, be true." Tyrion might not be, strictly speaking, honest, but he is without a doubt the baddest of the bad ass mother fuckers.

"And it gives me four less fingernails to clean." "Fewer." "What?" "Four fewer fingernails to clean." Really, Stannis? You're sending Davos to a spot under the walls of Renly's fortifications, with an enchantress who is about to birth a spirit from Hell, and you're concerned about the guy's grammar?

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